The Vatican’s Stand on condoms is a crime against Humanity
Phillip Adams, 30/8/08
In Africa, it has been a death sentence to millions. Consider, for the next 800 words, the condom, still condemned by the Vatican as a tool of the devil. My attempts to persuade the visiting Pope to change his mind clearly failed - though the thousands of trouser-less men who marched on St Mary’s wearing luminous condoms must stand as one of this country’s most memorable demos. It was such a pretty sight! All those fluorescent frangers! Accompanied by womenfolk brandishing the glowing gadgets on erect forefingers, my hastily organised effort resembled a procession of pilgrims carrying candles. But the Pope and Cardinal Pell refused to see the light.
The Australian, Weekend Magazine, No Internet Text
Coloured, ribbed, flavoured and glow-in-the-dark models now compete in the carnal carnival, but variations aren’t new. History records condoms made from oiled silk paper and lamb’s intestines, while in olden days the Japanese manufactured them from tortoiseshell and animal horns. I’ve no idea how, but the latter designs may have also solved the problem of erectile dysfunction.
We don’t know if condoms - perhaps of papyrus - were employed on the pharaohonic phallus, the Roman rod or the Greek gimlet. The hieroglyphs, Pompeian murals and Hellenistic vases are silent on the subject. The first time the condom pops up, as it were, was close to Rome - in the writings of Falloppio, the fine Venetian doctor who gave his name to the fallopian tubes. He proposed condoms to slow the spread of syphilis. A little later English lexicons made reluctant, thin-lipped references to the condone, the condom and the condom - tending to blame this salacious device on the French.
The poor French. Such good Catholics to be so slandered. Writing to James Murray, the editor of the Oxford English
Dictionary, a contributor insisted that “everything obscene comes from France”. Hence “French” and “French letter”, while “giving French” meant oral sex. And pornographic graphics were often described as “French prints”: This English xenophobia gave the French such offence that their lexicographers returned the insult, calling the condom the “compote anglicise”:
The principal reason for Rome’s detestation of the whatever-you-call-it lies in the fact that, properly employed, it reduces the likelihood of pregnancy by 98 per cent. During the Holy Father’s down-under detour, Cardinal Pell repeated that familiar call to Australians to “populate or perish”, so don’t expect a policy change any time soon. The frangers will remain forbidden - along with the Pill, which was developed by a Catholic doctor to conform to the church’s idea of “natural”.
History records that the Pope’s predecessor was on the Vatican committee considering the Pill - and approved it. Once enthroned he changed his mind and only the “rhythm method” (otherwise known as Vatican Roulette) remains tolerated.
Thus, the Vatican helps to swell the world’s population of climate-changers in general and Catholics in particular. But Cardinal Pell doesn’t believe in climate change or contraception.
Which brings us to the greatest tragedy on Earth: AIDS. Over the years I’ve talked to any number of medical crusaders and epidemiologists on this modern plague and all agree the Vatican’s stand on condoms is a crime against humanity. Particularly in Africa, where the policy has been a death sentence to millions. Aided and abetted by the Bush Administration’s “faith-based” policies (originating from his evangelical following) this simple, cheap method of preventing the spread of a disease as destructive as the Black Death is denied the populations of Africa and other underdeveloped nations.
Africa is crucial to the future of Roman Catholicism. In the West many of the faithful have mutinied, the church’s rules on contraception the major issue. But Africa’s bishops hold the line far more determinedly than our Cardinal. They want to see their flocks grow - even if many of the millions of extra Catholics are doomed to misery and death. There’s always Heaven. While the Vatican has cancelled limbo and downgraded purgatory, it approves hell on Earth.
The condom alone won’t end AIDS in Africa - there are a plethora of health and cultural problems - but it remains the most affordable and efficacious method of slowing its spread.
And the Catholic church must bear most of the responsibility. The world’s oldest and most powerful global corporation is the only major faith with a head office. There are no Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist or Islamic popes and the evangelicals’ personal President is soon to leave office. Were the Vatican to face the terrible facts and finally, belatedly change its stance on the condom, Africa and the world would have a far better future.
A final thought. To be consistent, shouldn’t the Vatican denounce the glove? Where the condom deals in single digits, the glove - an equally unnatural protective device - covers five. Ten per pair. Come on Cardinal Pell - pull your finger out.
Tags: Australia, Christianity, Global, Human Rights